Ya gotta do what ya gotta do.
1. Coat closet (right corner)
Don’t let the lacrosse sticks and fishing poles scare you away! You can actually use that sporting equipment to your advantage. With eyes closed, both can serve as pleasure rods or as stand-ins for a flat-chested woman.
2. Under the bed
You might be wondering: why can’t I be ON the bed? Answer: too many decorative pillows (see #9). There’s not much room to maneuver in this location, so you have to come fully prepared, and by “fully prepared” I mean undressed and already turned on. You also must be ready for family members to walk by you unknowingly. This only really becomes a…
Super easy instructions for your child’s return.
From: Oakdale High School
To: Parents/Guardians ODHS
Date: November 13th, 2020
Subject: Oakdale High School is Ready to Reopen After COVID Lockdown!
Hello, parents of Oakdale High! Here are the instructions and guidelines for your child’s return to Oakdale High School on January 5th.
Colored Tiers
The state has classified our school as DOLPHIN GRAY. This means we are permitted to open two days a week with 1/6 of the student population, 1/3 of the time.
Other color classifications:
FERN: Permitted to open 1 ½ day a week with 1/8 of the freshman, 2/3 of the sophomores, ¼ of the juniors, and…
HUMOR
Your time has (sort of) come!
Wait no more! It’s your turn, the Baby Boomers, to get the juice.
Hallelujah.
But before you run (don’t trip) to your local pharmacy, college campus or parking lot, read on. Here’s what you need to do to procure the golden serum. It’s as easy as 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24.
1. Turn on your computer. If you don’t have a computer skip to #15.
2. Type “COVID vaccines near me” into your search bar.
3. DO NOT click anything with…
HUMOR
An Open Letter to the People of Wisconsin
December 15th, 2020(CNN)Wisconsin residents are being urged by health officials to pass on eating a traditional holiday dish this year to avoid getting sick. A “cannibal sandwich,” considered a holiday favorite in the state, consists of raw ground beef on bread with sliced onions, salt and pepper.
Dear People of Wisconsin,
I would like to address your holiday tradition of eating raw meat sandwiches.
First, allow me to take this opportunity to shine a light on what’s happening vis-a-vis the Earth right now. There is a virus afoot, and you should do everything in your power to avoid landing in…
Like ELF on the SHELF, but with less work and more horror
Mattel Global Communication
Rick Dickerson
Rick.Dickerson@mattel.com
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: 12/16/2020
Mattel, Inc. announces the global launch of KRAMPUS in your CLOSET!
El Segundo, California: Today, Mattel, Inc. announced its latest foray into the holiday toy market with its possessed, frightening, pagan-filled KRAMPUS in your CLOSET.
This holiday KRAMPUS hopes to cut deeply into ELF on the SHELF profits by creating a creature that not only watches what your child is up to but moves by itself to terrorize and punish those that get out of line.
“We noticed that parents were really tired of moving the ELF on the SHELF every night. There had to be a better toy that could ‘report to Santa’ and inspire good behavior without bothering parents,” said Rick Dickerson, Head of Strategic Business for Mattel.
“We also knew that the good-natured ELF only went so far with kids. We wanted a creature that made them literally wet their pants with anxiety. KRAMPUS in your CLOSET was born.”
Krampus is a creature from European folklore dating back to the 17th century. It’s a horned figure described as “half-goat, half-demon.”…
Scientology Arrives at Hallmark
Title: A Very Clear Christmas
Tagline: Even Scientologists Need Bland, Asexual Holiday Cheer
Logline: Kimberly, a small-town teen, travels to California at Christmas time to find Tom Cruise. She is convinced only he can cure her mother’s fatal illness by December 25th.
Setting: Los Angeles
Synopsis:
ACT 1
Kimberly is a typical teenager, except her mom is dying from a rare, fatal disease that makes her cough occasionally, look pale, and eat soup.
Kimberly is convinced Tom Cruise can help because he is a foxy old guy and a Scientologist Operating Thetan VI. She isn’t sure what that is but remains confident Tom can patch her mother up by the Yuletide.
With only a copy of Dianetics, Top Gun on VHS, and babysitting money totaling $32.56, she makes her way to the bus station.
Is she scared? Sure. Just like Tom was scared when he jumped on that couch. …
You believe who you will and kill who you want.
Dear Sir With No Mask,
LONG LIVE YOUR FREE FACE! WAHOO!
I would like to salute you, stranger with no mask in a public setting.
Thank GOD someone is standing up to these unAmerican jerks pushing their communist bologna about mask-wearing. You’re an American! And as such, you are entitled to walk outside wearing whatever you like. By the way, your Don Jr. tank top is delicious. Grrrr… Triggered forever.
America the beautiful. You can say that again.
I don’t know your reasons for sure, but I can tell just by looking at you that you know what’s what. Perhaps…
What fun.
January 13th: United Airlines Hawaii June
January 26th: Sandals perfect luau
February 3rd: Valentines sexy lingerie
February: 18th: China bat illness
March 5th: What Covid-19?
March 11th: Who dies Covid
March 23rd: Lockdown mean.
March 27th: Amazon masks
March 27th: Amazon toilet paper
March 27th: Amazon Lysol wipes
April 2nd: Who Fauci
April 13th: Amazon sweat pants
April 17th: How long until normal?
April 23rd: Social distancing memorial day?
May 13th: Travel Hawaii recommended?
May 22nd: RV rental how much
May 30th: Dry cough Covid
June 1st: Allergies or Covid
June 3rd: Covid testing sites
June 19th: Negative test reliable
…
Ode to my vague Post-it
I glance at my desk and see a Post-it.
Friday @ 4:00!
How very ambiguous.
Suddenly unsettled.
Your bright, optimistic presentation is exhilarating.
Chartreuse!
Orange felt passe’ and yellow…
Done to death.
Your use of punctuation.
The mighty exclamation mark!
A place to be Friday @ 4:00!
It’s frightening, exciting, or mandatory.
So much is right.
“This is the way to lead a well-organized, well-ordered life.”
But, ah…the minutiae.
Some key details missing.
Which Friday?
A Friday in July?
Very different than a Friday in December.
A bathing suit or an elf costume, my good Post-it?
Good Friday?
Jesus no likey elf ears.
OK with the bathing suit (black).
Friday the 13th?
SPOOKY!
And TGIF…
Body glitter debut.
The time is confusing.
4:00!
AM or…
HUMOR
Product Launch Delayed.
MEMORANDUM
DATE: MARCH 19th
TO: All Staff
FROM: Rick Christopher, Director, Marketing Department
SUBJECT: Launch of Cellulite-Be-Gone Leg and Butt Ointment on March 28th
Due to COVID-19, the product launch of Cellulite-Be-Gone Leg and Butt Ointment will be pushed back until April 18th.
We are very confident that we will be able to launch this product on April 18th. For the customers that were signed up to receive a free cellulite ointment application by Sven-BODIES BY SVEN-Rooney, at the launch location in Los Angeles, an email will be sent with the new launch date.
As disappointing as this news may be, we are confident that this ‘pandemic’ will be quickly brought under control. …
irene tassy
Humor writer, Boot lover. Slackjaw, Little Old Lady, PointsinCase, Humor Darling, Robotbutt, GreenerPastures https://www.irenetassy.me/ @Irene_Tassy
