Ya gotta do what ya gotta do. — 1. Coat closet (right corner) Don’t let the lacrosse sticks and fishing poles scare you away! You can actually use that sporting equipment to your advantage. With eyes closed, both can serve as pleasure rods or as stand-ins for a flat-chested woman. 2. Under the bed You might be wondering: why can’t I be ON the bed? Answer: too…

She has watched a couple games and would like to weigh in — 1. Nix the Coin Toss The coin toss to decide possession in O.T. is ridiculously unfair. Both teams should get a chance to have the ball so no one leaves feeling slighted or is left with hurt feelings. 2. Alphabet Shindig If there is a tie, whichever team’s name comes…

A good way to pretend everything is ok — For all of us, 2022 brings renewed hope. The belief that perhaps this year, our lives won’t resemble a dumpster fire. Refreshing your space is one way to stuff down your anxious thoughts and leave your Klonopin refill at CVS one more week. …

Is there a 7 minute shift available? I’m quite busy. — From: Ellie Nicks <supermomellie@gmail.com> To: Nina Drexel <volunteercoordinator@opps.org> Date: December 21st, 2021, 6:03am Subject: re: Marching Band Bake Sale Help Needed Dear Nina, I would be so happy to run the bake sale tonight that benefits the marching band. I firmly believe it takes a village to raise our kids…

Take your best guess!

I could help row, but forget it! — There I was at McConkey’s Tavern drinking whiskey, minding my own damn business when out of the corner of my eye I saw a bunch of men in uniforms approach me. They were all nice-like and said, “Hey, Rick, you look strong. Wanna go on a boat ride?” In retrospect, it was an odd way to frame a party invitation, but what did I know? …

Ask your doctor if dealing with issues that society ignores is right for you — FEMINO is a once a day prescriptive medicine used for treatment of Female Complaints. Do not take FEMINO if you: *Take an MAOI inhibitor *Relish feeling angry and irritable *See a world that appears fair and just *Think the guy who’s acting like a jerk is just misunderstood Call a…

The heart wants what it wants. — They may be stained with wine, soy sauce, and tears, but by God, they’re HOT! You want to be with your sweatpants in a biblical way — it’s time to seal the deal and seduce the pants off those pants. Phase 1: Stir up your sweatpants’ desire Unfortunately, you’ve already shown deep interest by wearing your sweatpants…

And the award goes to…YOU! Fuck yeah — 1. The Fucking Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, and Easter Bunny. The amount of time you spend writing in your non-dominant hand on behalf of these fictional slackers should alone earn you a prize. Not to mention the sneaking around at 3:35am to make sure the gifts, money and chocolates are placed without detection. But don’t worry, all your efforts will…