Ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

1. Coat closet (right corner)

Don’t let the lacrosse sticks and fishing poles scare you away! You can actually use that sporting equipment to your advantage. With eyes closed, both can serve as pleasure rods or as stand-ins for a flat-chested woman.

2. Under the bed

You might be wondering: why can’t I be ON the bed? Answer: too many decorative pillows (see #9). There’s not much room to maneuver in this location, so you have to come fully prepared, and by “fully prepared” I mean undressed and already turned on. You also must be ready for family members to walk by you unknowingly. This only really becomes a…

Super easy instructions for your child’s return.

From: Oakdale High School
To: Parents/Guardians ODHS

Date: November 13th, 2020

Subject: Oakdale High School is Ready to Reopen After COVID Lockdown!

Hello, parents of Oakdale High! Here are the instructions and guidelines for your child’s return to Oakdale High School on January 5th.

Colored Tiers

The state has classified our school as DOLPHIN GRAY. This means we are permitted to open two days a week with 1/6 of the student population, 1/3 of the time.

Other color classifications:

FERN: Permitted to open 1 ½ day a week with 1/8 of the freshman, 2/3 of the sophomores, ¼ of the juniors, and…

The heart wants what it wants.

They may be stained with wine, soy sauce, and tears, but by God, they’re HOT! You want to be with your sweatpants in a biblical way — it’s time to seal the deal and seduce the pants off those pants.

Phase 1: Stir up your sweatpants’ desire

Unfortunately, you’ve already shown deep interest by wearing your sweatpants the entire year, non-stop. Typically, you would want to appear aloof and unattainable, but you cannot turn back time, so press on.

A controversial tactic at this point would be to notice something odd about your sweatpants. Calling attention to a flaw can make your sweatpants insecure, thus making them…

And the award goes to…YOU! Fuck yeah

1. The Fucking Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, and Easter Bunny.

The amount of time you spend writing in your non-dominant hand on behalf of these fictional slackers should alone earn you a prize. Not to mention the sneaking around at 3:35am to make sure the gifts, money and chocolates are placed without detection. But don’t worry, all your efforts will be met with, “I don’t like this kind,” “Only $1!” or “I wanted it in blue, ” so it’s worth it. Fucking gold star.

2. Potty Training. Fuck.

What could be less enjoyable than teaching someone to use the toilet? Nothing. And you WILL pick feces out of clothing, carpets and your hair. …

Better than the real thing.

There’s a moment I remember when my children were 1 and 2 years old. I was preparing them to be strapped into their car seats, and preparing myself for the worst part of my day. All parents hate this arduous task because it involves wrestling someone who isn’t heavy enough to sit on their own but is heavy enough to throw your back out, pinch your fingers, and question your life choices.

I looked at those double car seats and thought, ‘Remember this. This is special and will be gone in a flash.” I don’t…


Your time has (sort of) come!

Wait no more! It’s your turn, the Baby Boomers, to get the juice.


But before you run (don’t trip) to your local pharmacy, college campus or parking lot, read on. Here’s what you need to do to procure the golden serum. It’s as easy as 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24.

1. Turn on your computer. If you don’t have a computer skip to #15.

2. Type “COVID vaccines near me” into your search bar.

3. DO NOT click anything with…


An Open Letter to the People of Wisconsin

December 15th, 2020(CNN)Wisconsin residents are being urged by health officials to pass on eating a traditional holiday dish this year to avoid getting sick. A “cannibal sandwich,” considered a holiday favorite in the state, consists of raw ground beef on bread with sliced onions, salt and pepper.

Dear People of Wisconsin,

I would like to address your holiday tradition of eating raw meat sandwiches.

First, allow me to take this opportunity to shine a light on what’s happening vis-a-vis the Earth right now. There is a virus afoot, and you should do everything in your power to avoid landing in…

Like ELF on the SHELF, but with less work and more horror

Mattel Global Communication

Rick Dickerson



Mattel, Inc. announces the global launch of KRAMPUS in your CLOSET!

El Segundo, California: Today, Mattel, Inc. announced its latest foray into the holiday toy market with its possessed, frightening, pagan-filled KRAMPUS in your CLOSET.

This holiday KRAMPUS hopes to cut deeply into ELF on the SHELF profits by creating a creature that not only watches what your child is up to but moves by itself to terrorize and punish those that get out of line.

“We noticed that parents were really tired of moving the ELF on the SHELF every night. There had to be a better toy that could ‘report to Santa’ and inspire good behavior without bothering parents,” said Rick Dickerson, Head of Strategic Business for Mattel.

“We also knew that the good-natured ELF only went so far with kids. We wanted a creature that made them literally wet their pants with anxiety. KRAMPUS in your CLOSET was born.”

Krampus is a creature from European folklore dating back to the 17th century. It’s a horned figure described as “half-goat, half-demon.”…

Scientology Arrives at Hallmark

Title: A Very Clear Christmas

Tagline: Even Scientologists Need Bland, Asexual Holiday Cheer

Logline: Kimberly, a small-town teen, travels to California at Christmas time to find Tom Cruise. She is convinced only he can cure her mother’s fatal illness by December 25th.

Setting: Los Angeles



Kimberly is a typical teenager, except her mom is dying from a rare, fatal disease that makes her cough occasionally, look pale, and eat soup.

Kimberly is convinced Tom Cruise can help because he is a foxy old guy and a Scientologist Operating Thetan VI. She isn’t sure what that is but remains confident Tom can patch her mother up by the Yuletide.

With only a copy of Dianetics, Top Gun on VHS, and babysitting money totaling $32.56, she makes her way to the bus station.

Is she scared? Sure. Just like Tom was scared when he jumped on that couch. …

You believe who you will and kill who you want.

Dear Sir With No Mask,


I would like to salute you, stranger with no mask in a public setting.

Thank GOD someone is standing up to these unAmerican jerks pushing their communist bologna about mask-wearing. You’re an American! And as such, you are entitled to walk outside wearing whatever you like. By the way, your Don Jr. tank top is delicious. Grrrr… Triggered forever.

America the beautiful. You can say that again.

I don’t know your reasons for sure, but I can tell just by looking at you that you know what’s what. Perhaps…

irene tassy

Humor writer, Boot lover. Slackjaw, Little Old Lady, PointsinCase, Humor Darling, Robotbutt, GreenerPastures https://www.irenetassy.me/ @Irene_Tassy

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